Green Twinkling Rate this poem on the scale of 1-10(along with ur comments if any amendments r to be made).?
Sweet breeze tingles from every corner,
It soothes my soul.
The sky above a heavenly abode,
As I sit out on the pyol.
The lush green fields sway and swing,
Hovering over which,
Were the flight of birds whizzing their wings.
Squirrels squeak to-ing and fro-ing their hairy tail,
While birds tweat a lovesome song.
There's sweetness in the air ,
And I sing along............
Lumps of cloud my eyes behold,
Furring the limitless stretch of sky.
Behind the mead hid the grey-gowned hills,
That my twinkling eyes did spy.
Still sitting out on the pyol,
The beauty around I appreciate,
Eyes shut and lips mumbling,
Thanking God for all the splendour he did create !!!
lemme tell u that a Pyol means A Small Platform Outside The House .
I'd give it a 6. Todd, Dondi and Marshall3 all raise important points. Here are a few more.
First stanza, it first reads quite well, but upon closer reflection, "abode" is the wrong word...unless you put a comma after "above". You're not "in the sky above", you "see" it and are either saying that the sky would be a heavenly abode or that you feel your "pyol" is a heavenly abode. A bigger problem than syntax is the sound of abode...abode is a stanza ender, it shuts down, creates a hard end stop, which causes the stanza to stall before the last line. You "could" change the word to "something softer, such as "blue" or "bowl" or "hue" (or aliteration with heavenly). Think on it.
Second staza. Not only is "hovering over which" an awkward phrase, but "hovering" is the wrong word...it means to be airborne in a single spot...which the birds would not be doing if they were "whizzing their wings". Also, "which" is a difficult word to end the line, even if enjambed with the next (which it isn't because you put a comma after it). Then you have the problem with "tense"; "hovering" is present tense, "were" is past tense. I see the image you are trying to convey, it's just that you're doing it awkwardly. I'd suggest you rewrite the entire stanza with these comments in mind.
The next stanza starts out with "lumps"...it's difficult to see lumps as something positive.."puffs" or "wisps", especially since you said "furring" in the next line. Then you say "behind the mead hid the..." except that "mead" is a fermented honey drink...did you mean to say "meadow"? If so, you don't need "hid", you could just say "behind the meadow the grey-gowned hills". Your next line, "that my..." is weak...you could just start out by saying "my twinkling eyes did spy"...it flows better and it has the correct number of beats.
The next stanza starts with "still sitting...", which is not the best way to start the final stanza. Since you have been sitting on your pyol the entire time, you don't need to say that you're still there. You could combine some of the second line with the first and get, "The beauty out on the pyol, Is so very appreciated" (it evens out the lines, gets rid of "still", and sets up an easier rhyme word for the last line). The next pair, also awkward, you say you're "mumbling", again, not a very attractive word choice. Also, if you're surrounded by such beauty, why would you "shut" your eyes (which is more severe than "close")? Try, "With eyes fluttering sleep I whisper, Thanking God for what he created."
