Irradiant Chase
Would you please comment?
Every time I gaze upon your eyes you furtively escape to the lands of the unknown.......and I chase you constantly forth and back until your wishes surrender to reason.
The blood that inhabits my veins is the blood of the innocent that claim the right to live in peace.....and to love for the sake of happiness. And I chase forth and back until your wishes surrender...
Without thinking I ventured to kiss the face that is yours...with a delicate and so soft single kiss; you lay there captive but aware of your existence....breathing so slowly and so steady and so passionately the sacred scents of Paradise;
Every time I gaze upon your eyes I see the Light that illuminates my face.... and my soul ....and I see it so bright and irradiant... and so full of desire ..... that I smile and touch you so lightly.....to tease you and play and respect above all. Every time I gaze upon your eyes I see the Light...
The poem is a good first draft. You say "...gaze upon your eyes"...do you mean "upon" or "into"? "Upon" implies "seeing her but her not seeing you", whereas "into" means she's looking at you too. Either is perfectly correct, as long as you're sure the image you intended is properly conveyed, and this phrase stuck out to me because the rest of the poem seems more intimate. You also use an odd word order for "back and forth" (you say "forth and back"), though I'm not sure why. The only reason I mention it is because it causes the eyes to stumble over a familiar phrase. If that's your intention, fine, but I wanted you to know how it appears to your readers. Also, the last line of the second stanza doesn't have the "you" in it...you don't say "I chase "you" forth and back"...you just say "I chase forth and back"...is this a typo? and you don't say what her wishes surrender to this time, you simply end in ellipses.
Your third stanza is missing a comma after "thinking", and you've slipped into past tense with "ventured to"...whereas "venture to" would keep it in the present tense. You also should hypenate "so-soft". The statement you make after the semi-colon, "captive but aware of your existence" is questionable...I'm not sure what you meant. If someone understand's they are captive, then of course they're aware of their existence, so I question your word choice in "captive" or "existence." The line that follows has too many "ands"...try, "so slowly, so steady, and so passionately". The same holds true with "to tease you...", because there seems to be words missing...try, "to tease you, play with you, yet respect you above all". Then of course there is the "upon" in the last line.
This is why I said at the beginning that this is a good first draft. All the images are there, the flow is good, it's only the fine tuning that's left, and that's what you do during an edit.
...pretty poem...keep writing
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